Parenting

Tell Them “I Like You”

I made this poster for my kiddos for Valentine’s day today. It is Version 2. Funny story, actually, about how those three influence me creatively, and push me to be a better parent. You can read it below, or just enjoy the art!

So the other night, as I lay next to him on his bed, my sensitive and sweet little six-year old boy asks, “Do you like me?” I remain outwardly calm and tell him that not only do I like him, I LOVE him!!! Duh?! But this is not the answer he is looking for. He says that of course I love him, I’m his mom. But do I like him? I spend the next 30 to 85 minutes telling him every last thing I like about him and kiss him a thousand times. Then we snuggle some more and I wait for him to fall asleep, just like the old days.

The next day I give him cookies for breakfast and write him a lovey note in his lunchbox. Then, after he gets on the bus, I decide I am going to make him some art so that he will always know how much I really like him. In fact, I am going to make one for all three of them and then also talk to my girls that night to make sure they know I really like them, too. I have work to do. I’m all over it!

I design a simple poster with hand lettering that says: I don’t just love you, I like you. A few days later, I show him Version 1 (although at the time I didn’t know it was V1). “Look what I made you! It says that I don’t just love you, I like you”. He looks at my masterpiece for a second, then says to me, “That’s just mean, mom”. Oh no, no, no. It doesn’t say I don’t love you, it says I don’t just love you. You know, like the conversation we had the other night? But he darts off with his hockey stick. Later, I show my middle daughter. She reads it and says, “I don’t get it”. More explaining. You know, how I don’t just love you but I really like you and I like being with you. She says, “You should say all that, too, because then people will understand”. Really? Now I’m feeling like my poster sucks. Well, I’ll show it to my oldest. She always has good insight and reliably constructive feedback. Guess what? She likes it! After I tell her she’s my new favorite, we laugh about what those other two said (they are so clueless!). She leaves my office and I hear her say to my son in the kitchen, “Hey, I like you!” He takes out his mouthguard and says to her, “Yeah, mom already told me that joke”. Joke? Hmmm.

I decide to start over. It needs to be a bit more clear. Version 2 is better. At least they understand it and I don’t have to explain. But all of this work has made me realize something. I think my son, with his original question, was maybe just trying to get me to spend more time with him that night. And you might think, reading this, that I am so stupid because obviously that’s what he was doing. But as the mother, you just don’t want to risk it. Maybe there was a small 2 or 7% chance that he was feeling unsure? And that right there is why parenting is the hardest job in the universe. We never really know what is going on in their heads and what they are feeling in their hearts. So why not just go overboard? Better safe than sorry. Better too much than not enough. Right?

I am not talking about praise. By now we’ve all been very enlightened by the one billion articles out there on how too much praise is bad, very bad. I am not even talking about love, which we clearly know can be dished out in loads and loads and never be too much. What I am talking about is the very thing that is actually the hardest for all of us busy parents to give, and that is time. Simply, my son just wanted my time.

This episode was a poignant reminder for me that our kids really want to know that we like being with them. Spending our precious time with them is really how we show them that they are indeed fun and interesting. They are worthwhile. For me, I like finding those small moments when we are alone and can play a quick game of tic-tac-toe, or they can show me their best dance move, or tell me about their favorite show. Just small, ordinary moments when they have my full and undivided attention.

Another way of giving our attention is paying them a compliment. It makes them feel noticed. Starting sentences with “I like…” and finding something positive to say always leads to a nice exchange. This Valentine’s day, I am challenging myself to a year of compliments. Not just for my kids, but my husband, too. (Especially him, last one on the totem pole. If you’re reading this D, I like your funky hair today.) One compliment a day, or more if the mood strikes.

Thank you for reading. Keep up the good work! Have a Happy Valentine’s Day…

…and I like your smile. ♥

14 Feb 2013By: Barbara Rucci Category: Create, Featured, For Moms, Inspire, Parenting Tags: art, compliments, hearts, parenting, Valentines

Parenting // Discipline Less + Understand More

Every once in a while, I come across something that I really feel like I need to share. This chart was created by Carol Tuttle, author of the book The Child Whisperer, which I have never read. I wish I had had this book when my girls were little to add to my parenting-book library. I’m now starting to buy the how-to-deal-with-teenagers variety. But I still have a six-year old and this chart has worked brilliantly twice already! I won’t bore you with my child’s almost-tantrums and how I avoided them, but suffice it to say that within 30 seconds of reading this chart I realized I had a sensitive little boy who wasn’t being heard by his busy mama.

I say we all print this out and hang it in the bathroom (the place I hide when I can’t take one more child crying…or the place where husbands might read it!).

Good luck mamas! And happy monday from your friend Bar ♡

12 Nov 2012By: Barbara Rucci Category: Featured, For Moms, Parenting, Read Tags: parenting advice, parenting book, The Child Whisperer

Favorite Back-to-school Books

Tomorrow, my son will be starting first grade in a new school. He says he’s nervous. I told him, so am I. He was surprised I said this and asked me why? I said that I always feel butterflies on the first day back to school. But that it was more of a nervous excitement. Sometimes, I told him, excitement feels close to being nervous. He didn’t say much else after that, thinking about what I said. I’m hoping I changed his perception of the first day jitters…if even just a smidge.

At home, we pulled out our favorite (and well worn) back-to-school book, a Charlie and Lola classic, I am Too Absolutely Small for School. I like to read it with a British accent which gets the little guy giggling. There’s something about this book’s humor and wit that quells the nerves. Author Lauren Child is brilliant! Charlie has to convince Lola to give school a chance. Lola makes her points, like by saying “I don’t need to learn up to one hundred. I already know up to ten, and that is plenty”. Ever-patient Charlie works his magic, and persuades Lola that school is worthwhile. This book is lighthearted and I love that it doesn’t pander to a child’s anxiety, but instead changes their way of thinking. It’s re-affirming without being too sentimental. And with it’s ingenious ending, it literally made my son want to wake up the next the morning and go straight to school!

Here is a list of our other favorites for this year:

How I Spent my Summer Vacation / Mark Teague: A boy takes his teacher and fellow students on a Wild West adventure when he gives his school report on how he spent his summer vacation. We love that it rhymes!

Chrysanthemum / Kevin Henkes: With her hard-to-pronounce name, Chrysanthemum gets teased at school. Until she meets the new music teacher, who is named Delphinium. We love the way this expressive book, with its charming illustrations, shines a light on the affects of a loving teachers. Teachers rock!

Off to Class: Incredible and Unusual Schools Around the World / Susan Hughes: In this book, readers will travel to dozens of countries to visit some incredible schools. Through personal interviews, we get to meet the students who attend them. Their stories aren’t just inspiring — they’ll also get kids to think about school and the world in a whole new way. All three of my kids are fascinated by this book. It’s a great way for us to talk about our differences, and of how grateful we are for what we have!

Kindergarten Kids / Stephanie Calmenson: This book of rhymes and riddles is so fun and celebratory, my son wanted me to read it to him twice! It really makes them feel that Kindergarten (and first grade, too!) is a special place. Reading this book will but a smile on your face and theirs, and it’s a great way to introduce them to poetry!

Wish me luck as I wave to my baby getting on the bus for the first time. We’ll both be brave.

27 Aug 2012By: Barbara Rucci Category: Featured, Parenting, Read Tags: back to school, Books, reading, school

The Importance of Play

I have just finished reading Nurture Shock, by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, for the second time. Forgetting that I’d already read it, I picked it up again and was just as fascinated. It’s nothing like a parenting manual. In fact, this insightful book transcends basic child rearing. I highly recommend this book.

The authors propose (through research that they have parsed through and reviewed thoroughly) that parents and educators make small corrections in their thinking, the key being to ignore common assumptions or “maternal wisdom” about children in favor of scientific reason, much of it counterintuitive.

There are 10 very organized chapters, ranging from “The Inverse Power of Praise” to “Why Kids Lie” (this chapter is especially interesting to anyone who has a teen or pre-teen).

One of the most compelling chapters is called “Can Self-Control Be Taught?”. It sites a very interesting pre-school and kindergarten program that was developed in the 1990′s by two scholars in the Denver area. It was a technique, really, that they developed as part of a curriculum that required some training, but did not cost a penny more than a traditional curriculum. They called it “Tools of the Mind“. Initially developed for children “at risk”, the results were so staggering that researchers could not finish their study because teachers in the control groups (the ones who were not using Tools) felt that in good conscience, they must provide all children with the Tools curriculum.

What Tools of the Mind focuses on is how to help children avoid distractions. And how do Tools teachers succeed in teaching 4 and 5 year olds to focus and concentrate on an activity for an extended period of time? Through play!

For example, in one famous Russian study from the 1950′s, children were told to stand as long as possible – they lasted two minutes. But then a second group was told to pretend they were soldiers on guard who had to stand still at their posts – they lasted eleven minutes!

Another example: When small children are asked to copy something from the board, they may not think they can do it. But hand the same kid a notepad and ask them to pretend to be a waiter at a pizza parlor, they don’t think about if they can write or not – they just know they have to do something to remember those pizza orders.

Here is an excerpt that I have read over and over:

“It’s well recognized that kids today get to play less. As pressure for academic achievement has mounted, schools around the country cut back on recess to devote more time to the classroom. This created a backlash…experts arguments were straightforward: the brain needs a break, kids need to blow off energy, cutting recess increases obesity, and it’s during recess that children learn social skills. Tools suggests a different benefit entirely – that during playtime, children learn basic developmental building blocks necessary for later academic success, and in fact they develop these building blocks better while playing than in a traditional classroom.”

Through play, children learn abstract thinking, symbolic thought, high-order thinking like self-reflection, they develop an internal voice (“I can do this!”), the ability to self-analyze and to set goals. But it’s not all about managing information, either. Through the process of play, children learn to squelch frustration and anger, and to stifle inappropriate or impulsive responses.

In addition, when children get to choose their own activity (not one their parents signed them up for), they become highly motivated. And when children are motivated, they learn more.

I have always believed in the power of play. I try very hard to not let peer pressure (yes, moms feel peer pressure, too) sway me into signing my kids up for too many after-school activities. We live in a great neighborhood where they can safely walk outside on any given day and find a friend, play a game. Or they can play with their siblings. Yes, there is squabbling (there is even a chapter in the book called “The Sibling Effect”). But eventually, if I give them no other choice, they will work it out, compromise, and create roles for one another.

My best advice to any parent with school-age children: Let them play!

8 Jul 2012By: Barbara Rucci Category: Featured, For Moms, Parenting, Read, Tea Time Tags: Book, Nurture Shock, Play, power of play

Happy Mother’s Day!

My mom in Holland, 1971. My kids call her Oma. She is an incredible human being, remarkable in every way. She has taught me to stay strong, rise above it, keep trying, be grateful, smile at everyone, give generously, laugh at myself, cross at the light, stop complaining, eat my protein, cherish my marriage and, most importantly, not to worry (she does that for me). I love you, mama!